Long lost friend...
They say that loves come and go, but friends are forever. I believed from experience for quite some time that no one is forever. Luckily my BF of 3 years has changed much of that thinking. But I still harbor doubts about everyone else. I've had too many friends who I thought would be lifelong friends who I haven't seen or heard from in years. Tonight I Googled my name just for fun, and an old friend popped out of cyberspace at me.
She was my friend for almost 11 years, and was my very best friend for several of those years. There are few people I have cared that much about in my life, and she was one of them. She saw me through my geeky years in middle school and through high school as I came out. She went through quite a bit with me as I struggled to find out who I was. She was the first person I came out to. It was April 2, 1994 I believe. She was shocked and hurt when I told her, and I will never forget that she held my hand the whole way home telling me that she would be there for me. Unfortunately there had been a lot of hurt that had happened to her because of my lack of self-realization. There was a lot of misunderstandings on both of our parts. Finally, she decided that it would be better if we didn't see each other again. I can't think of anything that has saddened me as much as losing our friendship. Even now as I write this I have a knot in my stomach thinking about it.
After high school and college she moved somewhere that I figured it was unlikely I would ever see her again. I discounted the thought that anything would ever be resolved, much less the idea that we would someday be friends again. She moved and now lives not very far from where I live. The idea of running into her somewhere sends a shock through me. What would I say? Would all the hurt that we both felt keep us from having any kind of dialogue? Instead of running into her randomly, I wonder if I contacted her how it would be received. If she lives nearby and there's a chance of having any kind of friendship, if I do nothing do I lose something in the process of further avoiding her? Is it worth revisiting only to be rejected?
Our friendship was a special one. It was the kind that you have so few of in your lifetime that at the end you could count them on one hand. I've tormented myself over the years thinking about how our friendship turned out, and I've gotten to a point where it doesn't hurt as badly to think about it. Opening old wounds may not be wise, but it could also be a beginning - a healing. But do I open that old scar or leave it be in peace?
