10 years out

     In December of 1993, I began the process of coming out to myself. I had known I was different somehow for many years before, but never really had any idea how. At times before I began trying to figure myself out I thought that perhaps I was bisexual. But that one holiday season I really honed in on the fact that I might be gay, and began to reach out for help. My first foray into the gay world was on the old Prodigy Network on a forum where a few gay people had congregated for support. My first post there caused me a lot of anxiety as I thought if someone found it everyone would know about me and my life would be over. Instead, I found caring people who understood what I was going through, and I learned that I wasn’t alone. I will always be grateful for the help of a few people who were especially helpful in that they took the time to get to know me, and help me in whatever ways they could. Mostly they provided an ear and experiences to help me as I came out. There was a guy there who was about my age who helped me more than he will ever know. His name was Derek. He helped me make it through the next few months as I agonized over what I was going to do with this self-discovery.
     By May I was becoming a wreck. I seemed constantly depressed and preoccupied. Many times I wasn’t into anything that I was doing because I was always thinking about whether or not I was sure I was gay, whether or not to tell anyone, and who if anyone to tell. Another early internet service, Cleveland Freenet, had a list of resources that led me to the next step. At first I tried a support group that was local, but they wouldn’t let me come because I was under 18. While they wanted to help, and I spoke with a few people by phone, but the group didn’t want to get into a mess with a minor’s parents. So that led me to P.R.Y.S.M. at the Cleveland Gay and Lesbian Center.
     It took quite a bit of courage to get myself to go there. It was right in Cleveland and I had never driven much more than around the suburb we lived in. I got the car one Saturday and told my parents I was going to the library. As I drove past each familiar exit on the highway I kept thinking “I could turn around here.” But I kept going and drove the whole way in. When I got there I was very nervous, but my anxiety was quickly displaced with relief. Everyone there was very friendly. I met a few other people that were in my same situation, and it finally felt like I wasn’t the only gay person in NE Ohio. I specifically remember a lesbian couple who I talked to for awhile. They were the first people I spoke with there, and they made me feel welcome and brought me into the room where the group was meeting. From that Saturday, I went to that group every week. It was also that night that I found the courage to tell my best friend. She was as supportive as she possibly could have been, and I will forever be grateful for that. Had things gone badly that evening, it could have changed my entire coming out experience for the worse.
     Several weeks later, several more people knew about me. I had also met someone that I was interested in at P.R.Y.S.M. We began dating. I became more secure in who I was. I also began listening to Melissa Etheridge who started a fire in me that has never gone out. She sung about being proud of who she was, and about how much anger she had about being marginalized in society. I began to feel that pride and anger as well, and it has served me well over the past ten years.
     It was also about the time that I told my parents. It was one of the most heart-wrenching experiences of my life; I felt like I was risking a lot because they would see me as a different person. And who wants to let down their parents? But that night I also realized how lucky I was to have such wonderful people as parents. I told my mom first. I hadn’t really planned to that night, but somehow she coaxed it out of me. I remember the words that finally broke the ice – “It’s ok, you can tell me.” We both cried for awhile as it was difficult for both of us, but I knew she still loved me and accepted me for who I was. She told my dad that night, and the next day he sat me down to talk about it. He told me that he still loved me, that I was still his son. There were some things he didn’t understand about the whole thing, but he was as supportive as he could be. Mainly I think he was worried for my health, safety and happiness.
     Years later my parents and I talk openly about gay issues – both things that are going on with me and in the world. They were supportive of me when in college I was the president of the university gay and lesbian student union. (known as LGBU) At this point with them, it’s pretty much a non-issue. My mom is even to the point where she is an advocate for the gay community. Someone says something stupid to her, she tells them like it is!
     Although it was one of the most difficult experiences in my life, I was very lucky when I came out. Coming out to myself was the hardest part as it involved so much soul searching. I grew up pretty quickly from that experience. And coming out to my best friend and parents, although very difficult, proved to me that being gay didn’t mean the people I loved the most wouldn’t still love me back. I owe the gay community a debt of gratitude for helping me through some tough times, and my friends and family for accepting me for who I am.