Flying the Funny Skies...

   When I heard the flight attendant say that we should remove the safety card and pretend to follow along, I knew it wouldn't be the standard safety speech.
   She told us to keep our safety belts fastened, and for those of us who hadn't been in a motor vehicle since 1964 she'd show us how to buckle a safety belt.
   If the oxygen masks drop and you're sitting next to someone who is a child or acts like one, put your mask on first...
   In the very, very, very, unlikely event that the flight should become a cruise, life vests are under the seat.
   Smoking is not permitted, but if you feel the need feel free to step out onto the wing where you will become the evening's movie feature, "Gone With the Wind."

   Later she mentioned that she'd come around and collect trash and anything we didn't want to carry off the plane including spouses, children, and significant others.

   Upon landing she reminded us to keep our seat belts fastened because it had been recently discovered that even if you unfasten your belt and run to the terminal, the place will still get there first.

Didn't make these up. I heard them on my flight on Monday...