December 2006 Archives
Hiccups can be a pain. I worked over night last night and had the hiccups from about 2am until 7am this morning. But what's more of a pain than hiccuping a thousand times is that everyone tells you about some home remedy that they swear works every time. My coworkers told me to do things like hold my thumb on my forehead, eat sugar, stand on my head, and drink from a glass covered with a napkin. (why the napkin?) A website I saw suggests thinking of someone ugly naked and covered in A-1 sauce. I just want to stop my hiccups, not my heart.
Holy crap! I'm getting messages from the future! And I'm not just off my medication this time. I have proof - they were in my inbox. As a matter of fact, they are from the year 2037. And someone wants my opinion. Maybe it's like a historical survey. On top of that they want to pay me $100. I wonder if that's adjusted for inflation...
I love messages on packages for the stupids. Things like "Lexus not included" when looking at an ad for new tires. My recent favorite was on the DVR box which is about the size of a DVD player box. On the front it reads, "Satellite dish not included."
One of the hot toys this year, apparently, is this doll called Baby Alive. I have a few issues with this contraption...
First is its name - Baby Alive. Well, an animated doll called Baby Dead just wouldn't be as much fun. Actually it would be rather frightening. Kinda like Chucky. Couldn't someone come up with something better? Like Betsy Wetsy. Oh wait, that one was already used.
Which brings me to my next point. This doll shits. OK, my mom used to tell me about how she had a Betsy Wetsy. I thought that doll was a little odd. But anyone can handle a little tinkle. But crap? Now kids are demanding a doll that craps? Man, that was never on my wish list as a child!
You get 10 packets of food for about $5. Why not just give her Raman noodles - they're cheaper. Well, anyway, for this meal you mix with water and feed the baby. Now that's sweet. But what's not as sweet is that you must ensure the diaper is on when you start feeding because apparently this baby has some serious diarrhea. The website specifically states: "IMPORTANT: Make sure she has a diaper on and it’s securely fastened." Securely? So now it's explosive shit.
What's even more disturbing is that after all this feeding, one just might have to clean the Baby Alive out. This makes me want to gag. "Give the BABY ALIVE doll several bottles of water until any remaining food has been rinsed away and the water runs clear (best to do this over a sink)." Oh lord, can you just picture this horrific scene? And what questions follow? Will children think that if they drink a lot of water they'll just crap over a sink afterwards? I hearby request the juvenile justice system go easy on those ones.. they had no idea.
And you thought PS3s were expensive on eBay? Baby Alive is currently running as high as $200! Get a load of that crap...
Comment by James Baker about his hopes for how the Iraq Study report is received:
"I hope we don't treat this as a fruit salad, and say, 'I like this but I don't like that,"
Oh no, don't make a reference to fruit salad! Now we're going to hear about gay marriage in Iraq...
(source: W.House won't accept all Baker group proposals
Message seen inside a box at work:
"Do not pick up by balls..."
I'm hoping they were referring to Christmas balls...
Apparently one of the rules of blogging is to not post poems. I don't like rules, so here's a poem...
There once was a guy from Toronto
He was a wonderfully bright homo.
Until he plugged in his thousandth light
And the X10 unit did ignite.
Now he glows brightly from head to toe.
"CLEVELAND (AP) -- There are fewer mailboxes on curbsides as letter-writing declines.
...Nationwide, the postal service removed 28,000 mailboxes last year..."
What? I don't understand. I still get plenty of catalogs and offers for a new car loan! One day I'm going to look outside and see my postman heaving my mailbox out of the ground, and I will cry...
(source: With fewer letter writers, there are few mailboxes)
A recent survey found that 2/3 of people surveyed thought that the name for an Italian sauce, Arrabiata, is a sexually transmitted disease. I'd hate to hear what they think of balsamella. Seriously, isn't sex ed doing its job? Or maybe that cooking class got confused with sex ed and now everything is all messed up.
I hope people don't embarrass themselves telling someone they have crab cakes or anything. Or go to a restaurant and order up a big helping of Syphilis Spaghetti.
(source: A saucy mistake about a sex problem..)
My car thinks it's a police cruiser. Saturday night while going to pick up the pizza (that I ordered online - first time for everything) my headlights started to flash. That would have been fun, except now they're stuck on high beams. When I leave my store tonight at midnight, I'm going to have to mess with the fuses under the hood to turn them on to blind every last person I pass... At least they won't think I'm pulling them over.
